The Fall

               There is something about the earth everyday in the morning, the way the sunlight tangos on the green leaves of summer, that wet-dirt-earthy smell during rain... there is something in the air that reminds me of September, and I feel something beautiful, positive and hopeful well up inside of me. The smell and feel of the air actually brought a smile to my face. In the wafting breeze, I felt a sense of comfort in my memories of this past fall, almost a sense of longing... how is it that my memories of this fall are laced with peace, comfort, almost a sense of joy? All those hours I spent weeping on the floor in my room, in agony over all of my failures... all those nights of sobbing myself to sleep... all those mornings of crying my way to my college, barely having the strength to even get up for something that mundane. How is it possible to have fond memories of, and a longing for that?

           Perhaps this is just our way. Our minds have a way of forgetting what is utterly too painful to recollect, yet our bodies hold on to triggers of smells, sounds, sights, and sensations….And so when our bodies are reminded by these smells, sounds, or sights, our minds go instead to the moments of peace and happiness we felt in the midst of that trauma. For me, it was the month when my mom was here, or making my first French toast from scratch or the experience of conquering my first craft homework and all those beautiful sun-drenched walks while heading to school. Those lunchtime strolls down to school canteen and to sit nearby the window of my school in five gardens and watch the leaves change in sun... Those were the moments that I lived for this past fall. The times of peace, comfort, calmness and all the moments when I truly felt that I was overcoming at least something…

             To me, there is nothing more beautiful than fall... It is death, in physical form. You watch it transpire, as the life is sucked out of the leaves and in the process of dying, they give off the most radiant beauty. In the process of letting go of that photosynthetic shimmering green, they become something even more beautiful than they ever thought they had a whisper of being….

             I guess, that is the process that began for me during this fall. Letting go of the life I was trying to build, and letting it die instead of worshiping at its feet as an idol.

And in the wake of that death, I am becoming something much more beautiful than I ever imagined. So that is why my body triggers memories that feel, dare I say it aloud, almost happy... it was death, and I will always mourn for it just as one would over the death of anything they love. But on the other side of that death is more life that I ever dared to speak out loud or dream…it goes hand in hand, the falls , the conscience and the resilience….

Selective Transperancy

         It's our best kept secret. It's the weapon that keeps us safe and guards us against of all people out there. It keeps everyone at a distance; while all the time making them think that they are on the inner circle.

It's the "Great Wall" we build around our heart to keep out intruders and terrorists who would come and destroy at the first opportunity.

With the selective transparency we seldom tend to justify...........

          We make it appear that we are doing well and that the pressures of life haven't gotten to us. If we need to, we make it seem like we’re struggling a little. Only enough to curb suspicion though. We continue to build this "Great Wall" and very few people question us. But we do continue to only give enough information to appease those who need it and in the process, become so ignorant to the fact that this wall isn't so great and that it's crumbling under the weight of denial and ignorance.

         We believed we keep everyone out and keep our self safe, but all we've done is trapped ourselves in. We then happen to teach ourselves to live in fear that someone will blast this wall to pieces, or find a way to climb over it. And, thus, rather than frantically trying to mend the broken areas and strengthen the weak ones, all we think that we’ll just sit back and watch.............

         Besides doesn’t one get sick of being trapped behind this stupid wall?? You feel so exposed with this wall coming down all around you...

So, come and see all that there is to see…as the wall crumbles and we get exposed to the world for whom we truly are!!!

Hope Lord, saves us from our enemies. The worst of which is our self.

Considering this selective transparency, revisited…

         I recognize in myself too the tendency to be very non-disclosing about some things. Now, please don't hear me say that this is a bad thing.This is actually a good thing, when approached in a healthy manner.

          There are things that some people don't need to know, but for myself, it has taken me to a point of dysfunction. I believe that for myself (not the "for myself" part) not disclosing certain things with people who I should trust has created a whole other list of tendencies and dysfunctions that I'm sure you really don't care to know.

The long and the short of it is that I need to be more transparent... and that scares me!

           You see, being open with people and letting them see you for who you really are puts you at risk. At least, I believe that it puts me at risk. Again, these perceived risks, when compiled together, make a long list of things not really worth sharing, for the sake of space, but they feel real, just the same. There is something, though, that is pulling me to give more. There is something in me that am longing to tell... I just want to tell, what I really think, and what I really believe and what I really feel!!!

           There is something in me that wants to strip off the attempts at seeming perfect, and try on the more comfortable, but much less flattering, "real" me.

 I imagine it being something like a cardboard box full of jelly. After a while the cardboard gets soggy and the jelly spills out all over the kitchen table. I guess Jelly was never meant to be stored in cardboard in the first place......

It's useless to be angry; It's pointless to try and run; It's counterproductive to blame...and it's even more unfulfilling to remain impenetrable....
Resistance becomes futile!

Over an Irish Coffee__Part I

          It was the month of April, spring time!! Always hated it!! Although, something felt strangely odd about that summer! Yes indeed it was one of my first solemn post-break up springs and the worst too. Two years had passed and I had no idea how they did with a person who had always managed to hurt me to the core and punch every bit of life that my hearty soul wanted to feel! It was not love for sure…though what I couldn’t discover in those two years, it just flashed before my eyes in the coming months of my post- break up for which I wasn’t prepared at all.

           To the world I was just Amanda Pickett, an average looking girl living in Manhattan, New York across Murray Hills. Manhattan was always known for being one of the major commercial, financial and cultural cities of the world. But the city never attracted me much. People in the city were always way too busy for their lives and I always, was a person, who loved spending time with their selves, I never had a fetish for fast life. Ever since I’d left high school, it was tough for me to adjust here in NY. I was initially from Ireland and was propelled to NY by dad; he wanted me to complete my graduation out here. Even so, I missed by all chances, the land of greens, the cattle, the exquisite Irish coffee, the mashed potatoes which was one of my favorite veggie which for no doubts was largely grown in my homeland and obviously the hand made cheeses. I wasn’t really a cow girl kind but I simply loved the Irish contemporary music and to admire the…..

................Oh! Good lord, that’s the time? I slept dreaming about my country land and now I just hoped, miss.Paskinsons forgives me, she was the head of my department of psychology and considered me as one of her most regular and punctual students. For the first time I was running late for my University and that too during my final graduation semesters! I just realized by then how can someone who’s known me for years, knowing the kind of innocuous person I was could possible leave me in such a position like this. I was struggling in my final year graduation and post-break up; it made everything just so futile! It was the hardest things I had to do, meaning how one feels to think off a person whom she believed had known her so well, left her in such a distorted condition and let her suffer like a dog whose just been abandoned from his beloved master…Yes the phrase was complete misfit for human to human love but that possibly was the greatest truths I realized! I was nothing more than a boat whose anchor was just lost.

            This was Andrew Noah I was talking about, a musician by profession, sang exceptionally well at the Montez Bar and that’s where we fell in love for the first time. I never really had a fetish for hard rock music, since I was born in a land of soothing country music, but I believed love was all about accepting other’s choices and so I didn’t mind an inch for the nuances he caused by discussing it on almost every date of ours! I wondered did he even care talking about what I loved or what I did. The rest was summary! I was like a total absentee during whatever we exchanged and as years passed the behavior just got cynical. I mean, holy crap, I was exploited in the name of love and I never spoke against it! But it wasn’t longer, it was Christmas Eve and the world around us was celebrating and the only person mourning was me! It was the last day I ever saw him, it was difficult for me to hear any more of dark about myself and I felt its time to dump the hell out of him. It was my family who always had reminded me of this sobering fact but me just like all others who live in a world of blind love didn’t want to gulp the truth. I never wanted to accept that I was attached to the most wrong person for me. But until we don’t fall on our faces we don’t realize the world of myths we live in and so it was for me…It was a year end and so was my relationship too….it was over!

                  After all I was a human being that too a reckless one and I were bound to make mistakes. But this one did cost me very much. I lost on the most jovial days of my college life, I lost on my grades, and I lost on the time I could have spent otherwise with my family, my best friends than fighting over a lost battle each day in those years, over a relation which was a disgrace in the name of love. I lost on everything that could have made my life far better than it would have been without him. I realized how much I wasted my health over a guy. Though I never really assorted to alcohol, smoking or drugs to overcome my pain, yet just by not letting myself breathe with ease was itself a big loss of health. But as it’s always known to me since childhood, time heals everything. So I just concentrated too much in studying for my final term and there it goes, I banked myself with a second place that year. Finally graduated!!! 

             Few days of celebration were really a good turn on. But then what I feared the most was just on its way of approaching me, my vacations. I always as a child had the worst of vacations. Throughout my childhood, especially post my mother’s death, my father had become even more possessive of me, the only child I was. I was always eyed on my actions and allied relations. Being the only young girl in our family there always had been loads of pressures. Doing the household chores all by you, taking care of everybody and always reminding myself that no one’s going to now push me on. I was by myself! But by God’s grace I was gifted by such a father who always made life far easier than those people I have known living with a single parent! Nevertheless one thing he could never possibly give me was the warmth of a mother’s hug which through every year after she left and with every hardship I faced made me miss it even more and more....

Part II

          

          Language...has created the word "loneliness" to express the pain of being alone, but it has also created the word "solitude" to express the glory of being alone. And I just over lived my solitude by indulging in all possible wrong relationships; and “this one” being the last one and the worst one too. It was now May end, the first month of my vacations. There wasn’t a single night where I hadn’t cried my eyes out. These were indeed, the nights of the living dead! I was just empty. I wouldn’t listen to music anymore nor watch movies. I hated to sit in the same room where the TV was on and wouldn’t answer a question until it was asked directly. I had started to realize I was avoiding everything I could. I was completely shuddering in everything I did. Memories close to us, when bad ones, could be more painful than our present adversities. How terribly alone I had felt. Even worse in the coming first week of April, it was a feeling so terrible as if something is wanting to break free, something penetrating my soul, some limb of my body badly in twinge, something ruining every bit of my mind, something in my heart blocking it from supplying blood to my nerves, or something stuck up down my throat, something so, so terrible that's acting against all what's right, as though it were forecasting for the violation against nature! It didn’t take me any longer to realize that I was plunging into depression.

            I don’t know how many calls I made to friends or in those days I would call them betrayers. Moment of insight was the old proverb I learned in my school days, “a friend in need, is a friend indeed” and It came up to me that how handful friends I had who could be relied on to in times like such. I had undergone two breakups before but this was the most shattering one for me, possibly because this was my first relationship that went on for so long than I imagined. I had spend half my summer looking for ways to distract myself then be it doing more and more chores in hand or cleaning till death or in working out a lot. I had considerably lost a good amount of flab those days too. But that wasn’t enough for me to get distracted. I started surfing over the net and spend loads and loads of hours talking to strangers, gossiping, & flirting if they were good enough, and fighting for crap too. I also met many of my old friends those days whilst I was surfing the net. It was good to get in touch with childhood pals. In those times I grew close particularly to one friend of mine. Erik Garner and I always met over the internet. We played a few duo games; spoke about our old childhood days. They weren’t any great talks but I always admired talking to him and the very little time we spoke. Erik Garner was a chiropractor. A chiropractor is the one who works with your bones and aligns your body. He stayed in Manhattan too, at Lexington Avenue, a place quite at a distance from Murray Hills where I resided.

           Since we both belonged to the medical fraternity, there were many talks that sort of kept the rapport in line always. We discussed about how we loved the nights at the New York City, though not the clubs, we just love the subtropical climate of the city, the hangouts at the central parks, wondering why we didn’t ever cross each other out there and Ireland from where we belonged. Unlike me, Erik migrated here on his will, he loved traveling and adventure, also had fancied the autumn swings and putting a toe forward for country music! Wow! I just loved, all what he did! I never really got bored of any conversations we had, which always felt shorter and shorter by passing days. It was ages since we met each other and one day over the net I asked him the same. However suddenly, I felt scoff at , when he wished to continue the conversation later as he was late for meeting his date…..I did get knickers in my twist and decided never to speak to him again. So whenever again I saw him online, I shifted to the invisible mode.

              My condition was just getting miserable and now I really needed to get out of the four walls I was trapped in. I called my so-called pals up and asked them to meet up at the famous Murray Hills Cafe, at a fair distance from where I resided. Oh they made excuses,lots, but I was pretty fused to the very idea stepping out of my apartment and I wasn’t giving up on this meeting at all. In the end they did agree and I was in a “YAY” mode ever since then. Earlier that day I had no intentions of discussing my break up with my friends but unfortunately I couldn’t get better! It just started flowing from my vocal chords and eventually got a bit annoying that evening whilst we met at the Café. The conversation followed with some of colleges bites and with a bit of girl gossip our meet up came to an end. I was simply discontented with how that bit went. Had hoped for a much better evening and now I just didn’t want to give it a thought. We were on way back home when my friends got a call and they had to rush through the other way. Again suddenly in the middle of the road I was left alone. I felt as if I am a barren land remained away from rains for years together. I couldn’t gather the courage to walk my way through. My legs were trembling and I didn’t understand what I was going to do back home? Had tried all ways of keeping myself busy but simply just couldn’t and now simply it was taking a toll on me. 
              I removed my cell from my jeans and started scrolling my contact list. For the first few names I went slow and realized it was a waste effort to call anybody. I have dug my own grave and have to go through the sufferings all by myself too. As I was thinking I didn’t realized that my thumb was still pressing on the scroll key as if it were stuck while I was deep in thought and the moment I released it, it stop by one name in the list. I felt as if a voice deep in within me was calling out and asking me to go ahead and dial the respective number and just talk whatsoever. 

               Listening to my soul, I went ahead and made the call. A voice very well recognized spoke from the other end and despite of the disturbances that came along with the hustle and bustle of the city and moving vehicles on the road, the voice seemed just so serene, with a buttery texture entrenched. I fumbled at first, so began with just a “hi” and Erik just went on and on. I was glad I didn’t have to make any effort to talk regardless of the time interval. It was nearly 9years or so since we last met. I was a child then and today things were much different, yet the flow of conversation seemed stirring with ease. I finally asked him that whether could we meet the next day and the answer ‘yes’ came up to me, no sooner than did I pose the question!!

               I suddenly broke into a smile and that was all for me to live peacefully for the day that remained. I couldn’t believe to myself that for the first time in my life, I asked out a guy and it wasn’t that bad after all. All the notions I had consumed all my college life that only guys are suppose to ask girls, be it for dating or for prompt nights or for marriage seemed so squat. I suddenly started feeling independent. I knew this one would turn out to be a good friendship and the one that would last for long...

Part III

           

            I came home back from the Cafe. I was sounding exhilarated and there was much light in my eyes now. I had my supper early that evening and called up Joey Fox, one of my close friends. He had been a great comfort in these bad days. Unfortunately he suffered through the same demise like mine, i.e. had a break up too. I told him everything, from speaking to my childhood friend to the fact that Erik &I have decided to catch up the next day and looking ahead for a real pleasant time. I chatted over the call for a couple of minutes and there came the turning point. Joey, lawyer by profession and birth too, happened to remind me that how I was pissed off on my ex, when he met girls alone being committed and the insecurities I suffered ever since. And that took an inclusive tax on my heart again as now I suddenly retained that, the guy, I was ‘so glad’ to meet tomorrow, was already committed to another girl! And by meeting him, all alone would rupture my own morals.
              Holy crap! That’s how I reacted by the thought of it! I disconnected the line and called him up immediately. I was sure I am going to make a good excuse of not meeting him alone. I didn’t care what the consequences it’s going to have on my heart but I never wanted to meet a committed guy alone, like this, especially when am I single too! The bell kept ringing and the receiver had surely given up on his phone. 
            I tried time and again and finally the same cheerful voice flowed across the line. I got lost for a second or two and spoke like a jet speeding up on the airway. I told him that I couldn’t meet him the next day and was very apologetic about the same. He was so acceptable that he never did really question much and made me save my excuses I had brained. Though being a downbeat thinker that I was,(especially during those dark days) I started off thinking as if he weren’t willing to meet at all. This was worse than he being knit to someone. I was just set, in getting back to my droopy mood again. I called my pal back and told him that I had canceled the meet. He was disappointed too as now he started blaming himself for making me gloomy again. I told him that it wasn’t his fault; in fact he served a great deed and saved his friend from going against her own ethics or else I wouldn’t be less faulty than my ex! He calmed after that and we hung up on each other. 
.........................................................The next day I was off to Ireland!!

                 The flight landed around evening. Had a lovely nosh with father, and it was a relief after so a long I tasted the European vine and the cheese cake desert that father knocked up for me. I decided that it’s the right time to tuck in the bed as neither were any chores left, nor did I want to talk to anybody as it wasn’t a right time for my mood to discuss how I spent my last few days in NY. I had completed all my work in delight of getting back home and now I was all blank. I did my prayers and tucked in my bed. It wasn’t a cheery night at all. I went off to sleep,accompanied by my own tears shedding from my fish shape blue eyes. I had been getting agonizing dreams ever since I broke up and with time they simply got poorer.

             In my dreams I always happened to be stranded across a street, getting wet in the rains all alone. The climate here was much against the one I had lived in since birth and the wind blew unusually. The relentless freeze incoming my body made it immobile and cold. Everything was always so dreary in my dreams, I was now shivering. I always tended to become hot and pale at nights. Suddenly a thunder struck in the middle of the road where I stood by getting all wet, cracking the pathway and I screamed in pain. My feet started trembling and so did the road and the noise of the water pouring from the clouds got louder and louder like a battle cry. I knew I was going to die. The earth was loosing its gravity and I slipped off the street banging to the nearby trees. My blood oozed out first from my temple, but something more painful was banging, pleading to break free. It was my heart beating aloud in my chest in deep ache. I knew I was breathing my last breathe and someone’s face lingered above my eyes. It wasn’t my ex for sure; it was a man, a charming face and an esteemed personality. I was panting, taking my last breathes and I hardly had vision. But the love that man had for me, made it easy for me. I realized it was my father and I woke up suddenly, with a gasp! I forced water down my throat and relaxed for a while. After a moment, I turned on the lights to see the time and saw it was just two hours since I slept. I was drenched in sweat. I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep again. I checked on my dad, who seemed far too asleep. So I followed my way in my living room hoping to see the last hour of some telecast, as it was about to get midnight. I turned the television set on and buried myself on the couch. I didn’t even know which movie I was watching which so was against me, as a person, who loved discussing flicks! Nevertheless the sound echoing from the speakers made me much calmer than the silences of the empty room which almost killed my insides.

              But in a moment or two I started feeling all murky and what acted worse was I felt my beneath s were quivering. But this wasn’t so severe too. And a moment later I realized it was only my phone vibrating robustly besides me. I held my phone in my cold hands & just when I saw the caller, it didn’t take me long to receive the call. The same voice hum again in my ears and Erik gently asked me why did I cancel the plan that night at the first place and what was the reason of me flying off to Ireland, in next to no time? He confessed to me that he was looking forward to meet me that day and didn’t question me about the changes I made later was because I was sounding uneasy and way to scurry to him! On hearing the sudden twist, I couldn’t contain myself and the outburst of emotions, made me put across the truth, that how I thought it was immoral to meet a committed person alone. I thought he would think I am a goner to think so naively or that he would tell me that how he and his girlfriend love each other a lot so the point of mistrusting each other doesn’t come into picture at all, summing to how immature I would be to think so. But as he heard my story out, he first respected my decision and then continued saying that there was nothing to worry at all especially now, if that were the case because............…and I wished my ear drums didn’t work for a second but more quickly than I would wish more of it, he told me he was single too. I was now, in doubt that, I was dreaming again. Except for when he started off with why he broke up with an enough evidence for me to digest, I just hung up on him. I had no clue why I did that, although my heart suddenly was beating zillion times faster than its normal rate. I was feeling all warm since blood was now gushing through my face and was feeling tranquil out of the blue. The movie going on suddenly seemed good. I was just happy. I mean somebody just discussed his break up with me and rather than being sorry for it, all I knew was that I was so stupendously glad about people breaking up. Suddenly my subconscious hinted me that he mentioned dumping her and that made me feel much better. Freak! I was a pathetic girl of my age.. But for the first time I didn’t regret being selfish. My phone was vibrating again and I just received the call with a new stance. He inquired, what was wrong? Was I unwell or something? And I gleefully said, I’m fine. I slept back and now wasn’t dreaming.

Part IV

          

I woke up early next morning, not out of my own accord though, it was the warm sunlight that gave its way. Not to forget the aroma of the hot Irish coffee and the freshly mown grass. The sight of greenery and daybreak was simply breathtaking. 

         Here in Ireland, I lived in a county at the northern border of Dublin Suburb and I could pompously call it as one of the most handsome places in Ireland, less populated & all the same, a warm and welcoming town! Till past noon I was sheer distracted of all the reasons that made me feel I was here, back home. I was wandering over the empty streets aimlessly and I never realized how far I’d come. I was tired and couldn’t have the muscle to progress an inch. Err! That’s all I could mutter. I was dawdling, and before I could grin more, I realized I was standing just few feet away from Esquires Coffee House!!!
It was the only place where the most soothing country music is played over the fresh creamy coffee, the grouping which couldn't be found elsewhere in the world, except for Ireland!!

          I wanted to go in badly, to revitalize myself, then what was it that was making my steps so heavy? Was it Erik’s call? Was it because I was half alive by just listening to his voice and half guilty for not speaking the way I could have last night. I just couldn’t think of what was that trying to coming out of my heart so badly. I wanted to talk to Erik badly.. 

          I geared towards it with all that was left in me, hoping to call him from the telephone booth. The weather was not so warm by evenings, yet it was pleasing. The impatience of getting back home which I got along myself could help me resist and knock over the glass door of the booth. There was a man inside facing his back towards me, had a nice built, with brown coffee hair and that’s all I could notice within the sight he permitted me, though the color of his hair made me smirk at him, the big-headed me for I had the loveliest black colored hair unlike here in Ireland and before I could make more of comments, he just rushed out. Seemed to be in loads of hurry, didn’t get a chance of noticing his face. I entered the booth, it was a bit traditional one, built years back, could make out from it’s chiseled doors and the roof top which reminded me of ancient culture. Well Ireland was known for its music and art too. I started dialing the number, and was astounded when dad’s voice cracked. Not understanding what to talk (caused it was a mistaken call), I told him my whereabouts and he told me it will take him long to receive me as he was badly caught up with some agent. Moaning I hung up and decided its time to pay a visit to the Esquires, it had been long.

            I stepped in and found so many delighted faces singing to the tunes of the singer who simultaneously played the violin. The entire cafe had a touch of walnut, with beautiful chandeliers and the freshly made cakes and coffee which any of who stepped in could smell, were just icing on the cake! And whilst I was browsing the café and journeying back to childhood, an admirable voice, not unlike the one I heard as I stepped in, but this was the voice I could never want to forget, he was blabbering something on stage saying how beautiful the girl seemed as she walked through, turning around to see who was it, I also forced my way through the couple of tables from the entrance to have a sight of the showman and it all happened in split seconds as the eyes met, he was the most charming Irish man I had ever seen, with kindness and love filled in those eyes taking my heart along and whilst i lost my soul,he,Erik sang,
 

I took a stroll down,

the old long walk,

on the day I-ay I-ay..

I met a little girl and we stopped to talk

On a grand soft day I-ay,

And I ask you friend, what’s a fella to do?

Cause her hair were black and here eyes were blue,

And I knew right then,

I’d been taking a whirl,

Down the Salthill prom,

With a Galway girl,

We were halfway there,

When the rain came down,

On the day I-ay I-ay I-ay

And she took me up to her flat downtown

On a grand soft day I-ay I-ay I-ay

And I ask you friend, what a fella to do?

Cause her hair were black and her eyes were blue,

So I took her hand, and gave it a twirl (and he did that too)

And then I lost my heart to,

the Galway girl- Oh!!!

When I woke up I was all alone,

With a broken heart and a ticket home,

And I ask you now, what would you do?

If her hair was black and her eyes blue?

See I’ve traveled around, I’ve been all over the world,

Boysssss,

I’ve never seen nothing like a Galway girl….

I love you Amanda, I do I do…. 
AND WHAT'S NEXT????????

Expectations

People get shattered in many ways. There are the variants in the pieces, the size and the number, and more importantly where they land and how?

Most of my arm ended up over it, but my body laid spread out on the floor, you can barely tell the sum of granules, the tiniest rocks, shards of unmated glass.

I spread out and settled, but barely could put my self back together, I swear, the pour took a part of me.

I don’t know, what was expected, when the mouth opened or if I expected to open my own mouth. I ingested it all wrong and felt the need for an antacid. It fizzed roughly until it was calmed and I try not medicate the feeling at the pit of my stomach, the root of it all.

The mind set the flame underneath, it did set my blood to boil!

People will always disappoint you in many ways. It’s not attention, its intention.

All possessions are just “apostrophes”

Hope the thoughts would ever join in similar ways.

The moment we cross that someone’ who comprehends these expectations and doesn’t stipulate in return,

The mind gets blanked and starts an entirely new page, a new chapter and one’s full of run on’s. You don’t want such a book to end, but what can you really expect??